how funny, i pay so much for therapy and im still fucked in the head.
just cut myself after being free for a few weeks, it feels nice. i feel like i deserve the pain. i want to embrace it.
im mean to people, too mean. i act like shit to people who love me, i wanna be loved.

i know its the cliche, "i wanna be loved", how cheesy, isnt it?
they say "grass is greener on the other side", and i completely feel that
i thought now that i have catto, i'd feel better. i still feel empty, i feel like im hurting him. i dont deserve his love
i really hope this is just a phase, i wanna be happy, i wanna love and be loved. i feel like im becoming more and more of an incel, wanting love and attention while not having anything useful myself
just ruined a friendship, probably multiple friendships, just because i feel superior, i feel like im the best, while im obviously not

sorry. im sorry for everything ive done. i love you

thanks for reading my mald